Enneagram Practice: Sometimes It’s Better To Receive

My husband, Dewitt, and I recently traveled to Europe for a combination of work and pleasure. Our first stop was France, so I dutifully brushed up on my traveler’s French, so that I could at least attempt to honor the language and culture that I was visiting.

And as my husband so aptly pointed out, one needs to be careful about speaking her piece well. Because when a French person answers you, it will be in rapid, colloquial language. And you will understand only a fraction of what you are receiving.
What has happened is that with quickie learning CD’s and the like, we’ve learned how to send a message but not necessarily how to receive it. This happens oh so frequently even when speaking our own language. In our own culture. We are gifted at sending but oftentimes, we fail at receiving.

And it happens when we interact with someone who inhabits a different Enneagram type than our own. Learning about the Enneagram types gives us a quickie course in culture, language, and worldview. But just because we might be conversant in the guidebook that the Enneagram offers, does not mean that we understand this other type, this other person.

The Enneagram, when used to its fullest, is about receiving. And receiving and receiving and receiving. We may be very good at sending, but sending messages does not enhance our understanding. Receiving does. Listening does. Asking for assistance in navigating and understanding another’s world does.

Receiving requires a passive, accepting stance. Culturally, in the U.S. at least, we are not educated in or applauded for taking such a stance. Ask any Nine who has had to “ramp up” to fit in to our Threeish milieu.

Here’s a practice we can all try. When next we are in communication with another whether we knew their Enneagram predilection or not, let’s just listen. Let’s experiment by trying to receive without sending. Sure, ask questions to help clarify the receiving when appropriate, but let’s just open a receptive space to experience another culture.

Let’s report back here and share how this felt. For us. The Enneagram is not about collecting knowledge or esoterica. It IS about understanding, empathy, and experiencing another as they experience themselves. I for one, look forward to the day when we no longer need the Enneagram guidebook to develop compassion and understanding, when empathy with one another will be as natural as breathing. Maybe not in my lifetime. Then again, maybe......................

An Enneagram Eight For A Day...Or a Nine Or a One...

"Can you ever switch types?" I’m frequently asked. "No" is the short answer. Our Enneagram personality home base is home base - which seems to be hardwired into us.

Still, as we grow and change, we can avail ourselves of attributes and strengths beyond the intrinsic ones of our own type. Heck, we can do it whether we know the Enneagram or not, although the map helps.

The Enneagram describes nine distinct world views. We might also envision the types as nine personality gifts, each of which illuminates a part of human potential.

Can we purposefully embody the positive traits of another type; a gift of human potential not innately our own? Can we access the appropriate attribute for a given situation, even if it is not natural or unconscious for us? Surely it is worth a try as we attempt to grow and actualize ourselves.

I remember one time when I was embarking on a business trip to teach the Enneagram to a group of women business leaders on the East Coast. My West coast flight was to leave in the early am, so I needed to catch an airport shuttle bus for the 1.5 hour ride to SFO.

Ordinarily, the bus drivers were ruthless about not waiting for latecomers or holding up departure for any reason. On this day, for unknown reasons, the driver waited for late folks he knew were coming for 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes.

This Seven slammed into One. I felt myself tighten up in my body, my teeth clenched, and I became anxious and outraged. I stopped myself and took a long hard look at my own reaction. What type might possibly have an attribute that could help me in my current situation.

I thought about my son, a go-with-the-flow Nine. How would he handle this? Well, I mused to myself, he would kick back in his comfortable, warm seat on the bus and either doze or open a book to read.

And if he missed the flight? Well, there were other flights to the East Coast, and the class wasn’t till the next day. Things just have a way of working out.

So I pretended. I acted like my Niney son. I stopped looking at my watch and started reading my book. My jaw muscles unclenched and I relaxed.

I had a most pleasant ride to the airport, got off at my stop (lateish), walked into the terminal, got my boarding pass, and walked right onto the plane since they were boarding already. (yes, it was pre 9-11.) It remains one of my favorite trip experiences.

One of my Enneagram students (a One) told me that she wanted to be more free and lusty with her husband during sexual closeness So she pretended that she was an Eight the next time they were intimate and claimed that it was the best time they’d ever had in bed.

While we can never truly “know” what it is to be another type or even to manifest the gifts in the specific flavor in which they experience themselves, we can try to expand out of our own limited Enneagram box. We may be surprised at the range we have available to us.

Have you always wanted to be a Four? A Three? A One? Try it for an afternoon or a day or in a situation where those gifts seem called for. Let us know how it works!

Is Simon Cowell An Eight? Typing Famous People

I read recently that Simon Cowell on American Idol is an Eight. Because he’s blunt and brutally honest. While that indeed is a characteristic attributed to Eights, any of us can exhibit that same trait given the right set of circumstances. I acted that way myself when I was head nurse in an Intensive Care Unit. And I’m a Seven with a Six wing.

My own best guess about Simon Cowell is that he is a Four. (I have my reasons but they don't matter.) When confronted by the host of the show, Ryan Seacrest, a few weeks ago, Simon shrunk back from the conflict, muttering that it was “uncomfortable.” Most Eights will rise to such an occasion, ready for a good battle. For the same reason, some other Enneagram aficionados believe he’s a Six.

Really, though, I don’t know Simon Cowell. I have no idea what his Enneagram type is. I like his bluntness, wherever it comes from.

I’ll admit it. Attempting to type famous people is fun. Think of it as an ennea exercise, practicing our understanding of the hallmarks of type. But that’s all it is.

I am always amazed (and a little chagrined) when Enneagram enthusiasts, authors, and others claim to know definitively the type of some famous person. I know that I’ve fallen into the same trap myself in the past.

The truth is that unless we personally know said famous person AND that they have confirmed for us their type, we have no idea of their Enneagram proclivity.

Sure, we can see traits and characteristics. We can even feel energy, an individual’s force field, which supplies more clues as to type. But as any good Enneagram observer will tell you, we don’t know diddly about how a person truly feels inside unless s/he tells us.

The Enneagram describes nine very different ways of perceiving, acting, and being in the world. Each of these unique viewpoints stems from an internal worldview based on a set of assumptions and beliefs about what it takes to survive and thrive. For example, the Eight worldview can be rather simplistically described as “The World is A Jungle and Only The Strong Survive.” The Nines believe the world is at its best when we are One with everything and harmony rules. And so on.

From the outside, it is difficult if not impossible to tell another’s type. Time and again, I’ve worked with families who were conversant with the Enneagram (even Enneagram teachers) and did not realize the inner landscape of the members of their own close nuclear family. This underscores for me the best use of the Enneagram as an invitation to understanding through inquiry. “How is it for you?” we might ask, creating an open space for learning about another.

My teachers, Helen Palmer and David Daniels, conducted panels of type (as do all of us certified in the Narrative Tradition of the Enneagram). Their greatest skill (and gift) was approaching each person on a panel with the curiosity and openness of a child. Although they were “experts”, they questioned as if they had no idea what a given person of a known type might say. Hence, we continually learned more about type and individuals. By genuinely wishing to understand another’s internal terrain, they avoided typing or stereotyping vis a vis a given set of external traits.

My son is a Nine. He knows his own internal landscape well, having learned the Enneagram at a very early age. Still, looking at him from the outside when he is working at his high pressure, high profile job, it would be tempting to see him as a Three. He exhibits the adaptability, productivity, and selling charm of a Three. But when he goes home at night, it’s back to Nine land. When he is anxious about something, he looks like the archetype of Six as he scans for danger and worst case scenario. And then he returns to home base: Nine.

So whether we are looking at famous people or our own best friend, it’s important to remember that traits don’t make the man. Or the woman. Any of us might exhibit any trait in a given situation. WHY we do it is much more telling. And the only way we’ll know...... is to ask.

The Career Within You - Finding The Perfect Job for Your Personality

The Career Within You - Finding The Perfect Job for Your Personality

I’ve always loved Elizabeth Wagele’s cartoons for their insightful humor and for making the Enneagram accessible. Many of my students who were initially daunted by lengthy Enneagram tomes started their journeys with “The Enneagram Made Easy”. And as we all know, once you venture into the richness of the Enneagram personality map, you’re hooked.

Elizabeth now has a brand new book co-authored with Ingrid Stabb called “The Career Within You.” I expected to read a sort of “What Color Is Your Parachute” with an Enneagram twist. And I expected the humor and heart of Liz’s cartoons. I found all this and more.

All nine types are described succinctly with pluses and minuses and overarching motivation with particular attention to strengths brought to the workplace and needs. Wagele and Stabb break new ground with the best part of this book - their Career Finder for each of the types.

Each type starts his/her search by rating a list of 5 strengths. Personal preference is taken into account next when the reader peruses a long list of careers and lists 4 that interest him.

A chart next to each career weights each of the five strengths of the type - ideally you’d find something that resonates with your highest strengths that excites you.

Last step, Step 3, shows practical considerations in these same tables. Additional ratings are given for jobs with high pay, predicted future growth area for jobs, recession proof occupations, and those with a large number of present openings. This is invaluable information, especially in our present economy.

I decided that if the Wagele- Stabb Career Finder works that it should be able to work in reverse. I have what I consider to be the world’s best job(s) as writer, artist, health activist and enneagram blogger. I wanted to see if the Career Finder might agree. So I ranked my type Seven strengths in this order: Idealism, Seek challenge, Enthusiasm, Social networking, and Synthesizing info. I then checked for matches in the extensive jobs list. And the Career Finder.... nailed it!

Writer (but not travel writer), Artist photographer (not wedding photographer or photojournalist), Human potential seminar leader (yep still doing that), Journalist human interest or opinion (e.g. blogger). Journalist hard news did not line up and indeed, I have a hard time sometimes writing my articles for Examiner.com as they want more newsy, middle of the road pieces than I tend to write as a health activist.

The point here is that the Career Finder is complex and varied enough to be of real value and help to anyone who is job hunting whether it is her first venture into the workplace or a midlife change in career.

The book finishes up with a chapter entitled Fundamentals to Look for in Your Work Situation and a wonderfully laid out Job Hunting Guide. Interspersed throughout this terrific book are real life stories that illustrate the nuances of career and job seeking that are so critical to finding satisfying work.

This book is a must read for anyone contemplating a job search as well as for those of us who sometimes get lost in asking the question “Is this the right career for me? Why do I do what I do, again?” Just the practice of looking backward has invigorated me and validated my choices. Turned out The Career Within You was an inspirational text as well! Who knew?

To order your copy from Amazon.com, click here or visit your local bookstore.

Enneagram Speaking Styles: Get Your Message Across

According to a famous study, people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death. Whether we have to speak to a work group or a professional association or a large crowd, many of us are anxious about speaking. And as we know, when we are stressed, we may “stomp on” or exaggerate our point (type.). And in the process, lose the point... of our talk. Knowing our Enneagram speaking style can help us avoid the trouble areas of our own type and get out of the way of the message we want to deliver.

Each Enneagram type has a “default” style of communicating, particularly when speaking to a group or audience. We certainly have the ability to access styles other than our default when we are conscious and aware. However, when we go on auto, when our personality runs us rather than we run our personality, we fall into our default method of communicating with its strengths and its pitfalls. We naturally would like to maximize our strengths and minimize the pitfalls that will cause our message to be misinterpreted or not heard at all.

It is also helpful if we can expand our communication talents to include those of the other Enneagram types. When we can avail ourselves of different ways of communicating, we have the option of matching the style to the appropriate situation or group. All nine styles work well in given situations. We don’t want to be limited to our personality’s “default” mode, when another style may work better. Let’s examine the speaking styles of each of the nine Enneagram types.

Speaking Styles: Pitfalls and Strengths

Type One - The Perfectionist

Speaking Style: Sermonizing

Strengths - honesty, integrity, doing it well, getting it right, detail oriented. Want to be good.

Pitfalls - can preach or sermonize (because its right!), can get so lost in the details that lose your listeners or don’t ever do a speech because it isn’t right yet. Can be inadaptable so never change your message for fear it will be wrong.

Recommendations
Be in service of the message rather than in being right. Know when it is good enough. Don’t preach or sermonize, there really is more than one right answer; they’ll turn you off if you preach, anyway.



Type Two - the Giver

Speaking Style: Warmth

Strengths - empathy, a caring compassionate bent, orientation toward relationship and service. Ability to connect quickly.

Pitfalls - pride in all of the above, I am giving you so much so be grateful. Over-emoting. Get lost in the emotional stories and lose the audience. Shape shifting to be liked - can seem wishy washy.

Recommendations
Humility - these folks were doing ok before you got here. Give the best you have to offer without attachment. Use stories in service of the message. True empathy involves knowing when to back off. Just because you believe you know what they need doesn’t mean they want it.

Type Three - the Performer
Speaking Style: Convincing
Strengths - ability to sense what the audience wants and shift/change message so it will be heard. Can sell anything. Charming and facile. Quick. Inspirational. Usually very good on stage.

Pitfalls - may not have own message. May be strong on style and low on content or actual message. May seem too slick, too polished. Audience doesn’t trust. Can cut corners and slide through. Pretend to know more than do.

Recommendations
Be clear on your message, don’t cut corners but learn your topic well. Figure out where you stand so don’t lose self in trying to be successful at speaking. Give credit to others.



Type Four - the Romantic
Speaking Style: Lamenting

Strengths - Unique point of view, dramatic, often very skilled on platform in delivery, sensitive and creative. emotional.

Pitfalls - can be overly dramatic, can be so attached to uniqueness that audience doesn’t relate, speaking style of lamenting. Can be lost in emotion and lose audience like the Two.

Recommendations
Use drama to accentuate your points; if it doesn’t enhance the message, get rid of it. Ask others you trust if too much drama, emotionality that are not in service of the message. Be wary of separating yourself from the audience - unique so they could never hope to be like you.


Type Five - the Observer
Speaking Style: Dissertation

Strengths - depth of knowledge about a topic, often are the expert in what they speak on, ability to observe acutely and describe well, superb humor - often dry, well read - will probably know what all others have said/written on the subject. Can systematize information well.

Pitfalls - Can have speaking style of dissertation. Can quote everybody and not reference self, can seem detached or not present, may withhold information. May give too much information and wander the labyrinths of the mind.

Recommendations
Watch for quoting too many, too much: as Plato said, as Clinton once said. Quote yourself - put yourself in it. Pare down information to what really serves the message; not everyone wants to explore it in the depth that you do. Be present while speaking. Use observing and humor skills. Simplify.


Type Six - the Loyal Skeptic
Speaking Style: “Shotgun” or Apologetic

Strengths - loyalty, duty to people or a cause, especially underdogs; healthy skepticism, can sense hidden agendas, prefers group to spotlight often. Antiauthoritarian.

Pitfalls - doubt own message so unclear, push cause down others throat, can be overly pessimistic: doom and gloom if you don’t change, senses hidden motives and danger where there are none. Can use shock techniques due to ambivalence toward authority. Talking in short shotgun blasts.

Recommendations
See yourself in service to the underdog cause of the message. That means clearly defining what the message is. Don’t try to shock or bring out listener’s true feelings. Slow down speech,. Highlight an optimistic feature. Don’t push causes - illuminate them.


Type Seven - the Optimist
Speaking Style: Enthusiastic storyteller

Strengths - Storytelling, humor, optimism. Great reframers - of everything. Upbeat high energy people who emphasize work etc. as fun. Can draw parallels and similarities between very unlike things. Adventurous, enjoy life to the fullest.

Pitfalls - Can become too attached to own stories, can make a story out of a mundane trip to the post office which may not be relevant. May seem pollyannaish to audience, so won’t trust you. Overemphasis on fun may lose audience. Can be dilettantish - know a little about everything, but not a lot about any one thing. Can use too much humor.

Recommendations
learn topic really well - don’t get distracted by other things. Use humor and stories in service of the message. Don’t reframe everything - take a beat first. Insert a little downside, then the plan to deal with it. Be sure the parallels and connections you make are relevant and helpful.


Type Eight - the Boss
Speaking Style: Commanding

Strengths - clear direct, straightforward. Forceful. Able to communicate message by sheer will. Honest and just. What you see is what you get. Good at direction - inspires by sheer will. Large energy and presence. Instinctual knowing - from the gut. Clarity.

Pitfalls - Too in your face - pushy, bull in the china shop. Too attached to my truth is the Truth and there is no room for any argument. Too little backup information. I know from my gut.

Recommendations
Filter speech through heart and mind. Consider impacts of speaking, recommendations, etc. Recognize dissenting points of view - and allow them. Do homework to back up instinctual knowledge and flesh it out.


Type Nine - the Mediator
Speaking Style: Epic, Conciliatory

Strengths - Able to see all points of view and hold them equally. Merges with audience energetically - we are all one. Non-threatening, comfortable. Easygoing charm.

Pitfalls - Epic nine way of speaking where extraneous details and unimportant info cloud the message. The speech has no point, holds all points of view without a conclusion. Can have laconic way of speaking that puts people to sleep. Passive verbage may lose people - e.g. “ how leadership happens to you”. Won’t compute to rest of us.

Recommendations
Define the point of the message and be clear about it. Be careful of the tendency toward passive verbage. Don’t fall asleep on stage - go on automatic. Beware of epics - keep coming back to the point. We don’t need the whole story.

Remember, no matter which of the nine types is your Enneagram type or dominant speaking style, if you get lost in your own story (personality), you’ll lose 9/10’s of your listeners. If you speak from your strengths or gifts and allow these to serve the message, they’ll hear you.

U.S.A.: Has a Three Culture Moved to Six?

Most Enneagram experts have identified the United States as a Threeish culture. We as a nation believe in success, productivity, and the power of image. Our cosmology could be summed up in two of our more successful ad campaigns: Nike’s “Just Do It” and Canon’s “Image is Everything.” As a whole, we ‘ve traditionally been an upbeat, can-do country, if a little too self-absorbed and self-congratulatory.

These days, however, the USA looks much more Sixish, boomeranging between counterphobic and phobic, fearful of just about everything. We could blame the press (which has always been counterphobic) or the 24-7 “entertain-news” on television.

We could foist responsibility on eight years of a counterphobic Sixish administration advocating certainty as an admirable leadership trait or a distinct “us vs them” philosophy in dealing with other nations, cultures, or religions.

We could point to the shock of 9-11 as the beginning of our move from Three to Six. All of these may indeed be factors. However, it is likely that there is more to it.

Six is not the stress point for Three; that would be Nine. Still we can access the high or low side of any of the points available to us: heart, stress, and wings. And right now the U.S. seems solidly in the low side of Six.

We citizens have become cynical and pessimistic. We don’t believe our government officials are trustworthy. And we look for every opportunity to debunk them as authority. We are similarly disillusioned with our free market and private enterprise given the recent meltdown of our economy.

The government itself suffers from analysis paralysis and very little seems to get done. (Although we may actually get health care reform......)

When I talk with friends and acquaintances of any political leanings, they profess fear of change and fear of the status quo in the same breath. When I ask what we as a nation should do in any given situation, they blink like deer in the headlights or reiterate what is wrong with any idea put forth by government, private enterprise, or pundits.

We are lost in an “us vs them” mentality, both abroad and here at home. It’s the U.S. against jihadists and those who won’t stand with us. It’s naturalized citizens vs illegal (and sometimes legal) immigrants. It’s Republican vs Democrat and liberal vs conservative. And we are not even civil in our debate or certainty.

Does the U.S. need to return to its former Threeness to recover? Perhaps not. We might be able to avail ourselves of the high side of Six for starters. The ability to unite and work tirelessly for a cause, loyalty to a higher purpose, trouble shooting to avoid pitfalls while moving ahead toward an ideal worth manifesting, egalitarian acceptance of others, and a deep understanding of the strength in numbers that can bring us all together.

Has America lost its Three overlay? Are we solidly in the Six worldview? Is there a prescription for what ails us and what might it be? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Finding Enneagram Type Via Hallmark Characteristics Part III

In this post, we continue our look at the hallmark characteristics of Enneagram types Seven, Eight, and Nine.

Type Seven - The Optimist

Characteristics

º Sustaining high levels of excitement, many activities, many interesting things to do
º Endless possibilities - can lead to dilettantism
º Feel trapped without multiple options or way out
º Life is about fun and adventure - sampling all of it
º Avoidance of pain or difficulty
º Reframe any negative into a positive
º Replacement of deep contact with pleasant mental alternatives. Talking, planning, intellectualizing.
º Charm as first line of defense. Fear type who moves toward people.
º Equalizing authority
º Make unusual connections between unrelated ideas


Hallmark Characteristic
The hallmark or defining characteristic of an Optimist Seven is that of reframing any negative into a positive. Sevens see the good in everything, often to their own detriment. They focus on the silver lining and miss the fact that the dark cloud exists. Even trauma and tragedy are reframed into good learning experiences or humorous stories. “Yes, my dad beat me, but what was good about it was......”

Type Eight -The Straight Shooter

Characteristics

º Control of personal space, possessions, and people likely to influence Eight’s life.
º Aggression and open expression of anger
º Action before thinking, impulsive.
º Concern with justice and protection of others
º Sparring as way of making contact - trust those who can hold their own in a fight.
º Excess as antidote to boredom. Too much exercise, work, partying, etc.
º Difficulty in recognizing dependent aspects of self
º All or nothing way of seeing world. Weak or strong, fair or unfair,etc.
º Impatience with indecision, inaction.

Hallmark Characteristic
The hallmark or defining characteristic of Eight is bigger-than-life energy. Regardless of physical stature, Straight Shooters just seem to take up a lot of space. This larger-than-life quality manifests as abundant, even excessive energy. Eights seem able to do more, for longer periods than the rest of us. Oddly enough, the Straight Shooter himself often doesn’t recognize that he takes up more space than others, or even that he has more energy. Yet, everyone else around him is all too aware. If the characteristics and worldview sound familiar to you, but you are unsure about the hallmark, elicit the perception of family, coworkers, and friends to find out if they see you as “larger-than-life”.

Type Nine - the Mediator

Characteristics

º Go with the flow. Merging with others, universe
º Self- forgetting: laziness toward own needs, priorities, agenda
º Trouble with decisions: do I agree or disagree? Do I want to
be here or not?
º Containment of physical energy and anger
º Replace essential needs with non-essential substitutes - the most important things are left until the end of the day
º Act through habit and repeating familiar solutions
º Control through stubbornness and passive-aggressive behavior
º Numbing out. Inertia. Go on automatic pilot

Hallmark Characteristic
The Nine Mediator often overlooks or “forgets” her own agenda, desires, and priorities. The underlying drive of sloth leads the Nine to go with the flow rather than work to determine what s/he really wants or needs. Nine’s adopt or merge with the preferences and desires of other people. It’s easier than trying to discover his/her own agenda and priorities, which seem to be hidden or unclear. Although, this can seem similar to the stance of the Two Giver, it differs in that Nine Mediators merge indiscriminately with others. It just “happens.” Two Givers are very selective and choose the people whose priorities they may make their own. The Two stance is very active and moves toward others, while the Nine is more passive, allowing them to “go along with” others. As with all the characteristics for all Nine types, self-forgetting can get to be a habit.

When trying to determine Enneagram type, it can be helpful to focus on Hallmark Characteristics rather than getting lost in the whole enchilada of characteristics and traits. With attention and self-observation, the discovery of type is a profound journey -that takes as long as it takes.