Enneagram Technique for Change: Pause and Effect

In my last blog entry, I claimed that we don’t need any more Enneagram books, classes, or information. Of course, my tongue was only slightly nudged against my cheek. I have nothing against learning or new ideas. In point of fact, I revel in them. Yet all too often, I find seekers (myself included) becoming seduced by “ahas” and new discoveries rather than making solid use of the insights we’ve gained. When we learn our Enneagram type and understand our personality’s bias, we have the potential for liberation from our “default” mode. .

Self observation is the primary key to stepping back from our habitual ways of perceiving, feeling, and acting in the world. Easy enough to do when we are meditating or when things are going well. But how do we interrupt our old patterns when events or people trigger us in unexpected or uncomfortable ways?

My favorite technique for breaking my personality’s habit is the “PAUSE”. Our initial reaction at any given time will most likely result directly from our personality’s default setting. As long as no actual emergency exists or life-threatening situation, we have nothing to lose by stopping for a moment or three.

The next time you feel a reaction rise, stop and wait to see if something more true, something more authentic might be residing beneath your initial feeling, thought, or desire to act. If you are with another person or persons, simply say “I’m trying to see how I feel about that” or “I’m trying to figure out how to respond here.” That will buy you time and won’t make you feel like a moron who can’t answer a question. (Our Western culture sets us up to answer or act quickly in every situation; often to our detriment, so this may seem awkward at first.)

Allow a few moments to pass and look for what more might arise from inside you. A quick hint: unlike the initial reaction, thought, or feeling, there is usually very little “juice” or “energy” to this new layer. It simply is. Voice this new revelation as it comes and notice how a situation unfolds differently than in the past. Communication may open into a new expansiveness; indeed you may feel expanded as well. Continue observing yourself and the interaction(s). I think you’ll be surprised and gratified by what unfolds.

Here’s a simple everyday story of the Pause working for me. I was walking in a Hawaiian rainforest with a group of people who were filming a TV segment with my photographer husband and a supermodel. (Why is not important - it’s a long story.) The husband of the supermodel was walking behind me and my spouse in front of me on a steep, slippery trail. Keeping my head down, I never noticed the branch at head level spanning the path. Bam! I banged right into it with my forehead, nearly knocking myself out. I stopped, waved away the daytime stars swirling around my brain, and rubbed my forehead gingerly. “Are you okay?” yelled Dewitt? “Yes, I’m deeply embarrassed and I’m going to have a good-sized goose egg, but I’m fine,” I confessed.
“Wow,” breathed Greg, the supermodel’s athlete husband. “You handled that really well for a woman.” Personality jumped up with several retorts and a fair amount of energy, ready for a comeback. I PAUSED for a few moments, found a quiet truth underneath my first reaction, and replied, “I have no idea how to respond to what you just said, Greg.” “Well, it has always been my experience that whenever I’ve gone camping or hiking with a woman, everything that goes wrong is my fault. Insect bites, turned ankles, rain, you name it. But you didn’t blame anybody and that was so amazing to me.” We went on to have a long discussion about personal responsibility and woundings in his past relationships (present marriage excepted, he affirmed.) We connected and communicated in a more open, spacious way - thanks to a small pause.

So give it a try. You have nothing to lose except the constraints of your own personality. I promise you that this simple (not always easy) technique really is ALL you need to know to free yourself from your Enneagram type’s default mode. Oh sure, you’ll forget sometimes. I do. But more and more, you’ll find a wonderful Pause And Effect.

No More Enneagram Books

Lately students and friends have been asking me, “Are you going to write another Enneagram book?” My answer is always an immediate “Nope.” Initially I couldn’t articulate why, but upon reflection I believe I’ve finally figured out the reason for my reluctance.

And it’s this. There is a wealth of Enneagram material out there in the world. Books, seminars, forums, newsletters, and professional groups; everything you ever wanted to learn about this map we call the Enneagram. We could read and study forever. At some point, however, we need to do the Work. Not to denigrate insights or ahas or breakthroughs, but at some point mere knowledge is not enough to loosen the constriction of our personality or “default mode”. (Although I’ll admit, it’s a great first step.)

Once we’ve discovered our type or point, we need to focus on expanding our horizons to include other ways of perceiving, being, and acting. The most important practice for beginning and continuing this is self-observation. Watching our patterns emerge, noticing our personality running us rather than the converse, and finally choosing how we will see, feel, and act. That’s it. The Enneagram “Work” in a nutshell. Mundane, ordinary, often boring and plodding, and yet the only true path to uncovering who we really are and who we might joyfully become.

Discovering Your Subtype or Instinctual Type

Just when we may be getting a handle on watching ourselves vis a vis our Enneagram point, we find an additional wrinkle to complicate and enrich our journey.. Each of us in addition to our Enneagram type manifests three “Subtypes”, more accurately designated the “Instinctual Types”. These instinctual types reflect the basic human instincts of self-preservation, social standing in relation to the herd or group relating, and the drive for one-to-one relating (also referred to as sexual subtype or instinct by some Enneagram authors.) Each of us has all three instincts programmed into us. The Enneagram “subtype” is the main instinctual arena (or arenas) where the underlying drive is channeled or played out. The underlying drive for each type (lust for the Eight, Sloth for the Nine, Anger for the One, Fear for the Six, etc.) might be likened to a river of energy. This current branches off into three separate areas that represent the instincts of self-preservation, social, and one-to-one relating. The strength of each instinct, that is where attention habitually goes, will determine the amount of flow down each branch of current. It is completely individual and varies person to person. Often one instinct or branch is very large, with less flow down the other two. Occasionally there are two large flows, with a mere trickle flowing down the third. Rarely, an individual is automatically balanced among all three.
To use myself as an example, I have habitually focused very strongly on the one-to-one relating instinct. Much of my attention focused on my intimate relationship. I have focused some energy on self-preservation, ( eg. I never travel without my own coffee and portable coffeemaker.) I generally spent very little attention on my social standing within a group; although I participate in groups. So my river of attention would have had a large flow down the one to one tributary, a moderate flow down the self-preservation tributary, and a trickle down the social tributary.
Ideally, we would like have three fairly balanced tributaries. We would like to attend equally to our natural human instincts. Yet, when we are unconscious of them, we are often driven by one to the detriment of others.

Exercise: Discovering Your Subtype

Reflect where your attention seems to be directed. Are you most concerned with survival issues - food, shelter, safety, taking care of yourself and family self-preservation issues?
Are you most concerned with social issues - with attention to group activities? (It may not necessarily be that you are drawn to be in a group - some social subtypes have strong antipathies against being part of a group. However, their attention is still drawn to groups.) They can focus on several people at a time. People with a common cause or who share common interests.
Are you most concerned with one-to-one relating? Do you prefer a small number of very close friends or your significant other to relate to? Do you feel like going deeply into conversation with one person when in a group or party?
Often we have blind spots regarding which instinct our attention is most concentrated. Ask your spouse or a close friend where s/he feels you focus your attention most often.

Why might it be important to know our instinctual type? Certainly this knowledge can help us improve our functioning in the least exercised arenaa, in order that we may be more balanced human beings. An even stronger reason to know your unconscious instinctual bias surfaces in the realm of intimate relationship. I see far more couples encountering clashes related to differences in subtype or instinctual type than related to Enneagram type. Stay tuned for more about instinctual types and relationshp in the next blog entry.
(Adapted from “The Everyday Enneagram, A Personality Map for Enhancing Your Work, Love, and Life...Everyday”. by Lynette Sheppard.)

Enneagram Prescriptions For The New Year

A few years back, my friend (and one of my favorite Threes), Susan Page, was writing an article about me and the Enneagram. Since the New Year was nearly upon us, she asked me if I could come up with a simple prescription for each of the types to help folks loosen the hold of their Enneagram habits. I chanced to find these prescriptions recently and offer them to all of us as a way of attempting to be “Easy In Our Harness” as Tom Condon is fond of saying. (Visit Tom’s website for info on his books, tapes, and classes at www.thechangeworks.com.)

Here are the types and their prescriptions - let me know if you find them helpful, and please share your own ideas and suggestions for helping us liberate ourselves from type.

Type One, the Perfectionist, is run by a demanding inner critic and a desire to be the best they can be. "Ones" are responsible, dependable reformers, but also may be critical, inflexible, and judgmental.
Prescription: Take frequent mini vacations away from responsibility. Play actually makes you a better person.

Type Two, the Giver, fulfills others' needs often to be important to them. Altruistic and caring, “Twos” can also be manipulative and aggressive, believing they know best what others need.
Prescription: Nurture yourself as you would a small child or one in great need. When you fill yourself up, it won't drain you to give to others.

Type Three, the Performer, needs to appear successful to others and is the master of image. "Threes" are charismatic, charming, prodigious ‘do-ers’, but may be also workaholic and self promoting.
Prescription: Do nothing! Spend time alone, listening to your inner voice rather than focusing on achievement, or recognition.

Type Four, the Romantic, searching for an elusive yet essential missing element, longs to find someone who will match his/her emotional intensity. “Fours” are sensitive and authentic, but can be dramatic, moody, and dissatisfied.
Prescription: Focus on the here and now and make a gratitude list of gifts already in your life.

Type Five, the Observer, searching for knowledge and understanding, has a strong need for privacy. "Fives" are cogent thinkers and synthesize information, but may be detached, withholding time, information, even themselves.
Prescription: Practice involvement by giving up some private time and take the first step towards others.

Six , the Loyal Skeptic, plans for the worst case in situations and
peoples’ motives for safety’s sake. "Sixes" are loyal, excellent troubleshooters, but can be doubtful, over-analyzing pessimists. Prescription: Assume other people's hidden motives have your best interests at heart, then notice if relationships change.

Seven, the Optimist, is the fun and adventure seeker. Believing in
unlimited possibility, they sample everything good in life but avoid the difficult or painful. "Sevens" are fun-loving visionaries, but can be uncommitted dilettantes who can’t be counted on in the hard times.
Prescription: Spend one weekend day a month in quiet reflection with no plans or options.

Eight, the Straight Shooter, lives by the laws of the jungle: only the strong survive. "Eights" are decisive, straightforward, protect others, and give 150%, but can be blunt, impulsive, and steam roll others.
Prescription: Ask co-workers, family, and friends for honest feedback about your impact on them. Resist arguing your side.

Nine, the Mediator, wanting to keep the peace, takes on the priorities of others. Often unaware of their own desires, "Nines" are accepting, go-with-the-flow types who mediate successfully, but can be passive, procrastinating, fence-sitters.
Prescription: Act on your own behalf. Make a to-do list, checking daily what was finished.

As we enter 2008, let’s all try using the Enneagram to discover, “Who am I, who might I become, and what is my unique contribution?”

Enneagram Matches: Finding A Mate

After “How do I find my type?” the question I hear most is “What Enneagram personality type is best for me to be with? What type goes best with a One? Or a Five?”

Here’s the skinny: I’ve seen all the combinations of type work together. I’ve seen the same combinations become total train wrecks. We can’t match people by personality type, anymore than we can state that certain personality types will be drawn to particular cultures or countries. I’m drawn to Bali and the American Southwest. Another Seven might feel closest to the forests of Canada or the moors of England. We look for a resonance and we look for qualities important to us. In my search for a mate, I realized that I was looking for a man who was sensitive, not afraid to share feelings, on a spiritual path, and more committed to truth than comfort. What Enneagram type would match that? Luckily, I didn’t use the Enneagram to even narrow my search and found all these qualities - in a Three! Had I been looking for a specific Enneagram type to embody these virtues, a Three would probably have been last on my list.

Yet who can blame us for wanting to make sense of relationship and finding a mate? We want an answer: who should I be with? Who am I simpatico with? How can I find someone to accompany me on that path with heart? Although we know deep inside that there is no easy answer, we keep hoping to narrow the field when we are searching for someone to share our life.

Vanessa, a Three, is a good friend of ours. She felt that Dewitt and I had the ideal relationship Although she knew better (she is an Enneagram teacher), she decided to look for a Seven to share her life, hoping to duplicate that Seven-Three combination. Despite initial attraction and seeming compatibility, the relationship was filled with turmoil and difficulty. It ended with bad feelings on both sides. “I got hammered,” says Vanessa morosely. “I know I’m not supposed to find a type. I just thought that maybe.....”

We cannot choose a mate on the basis of their Enneagram type. Human beings are much too complex for that. We can look for qualities that are important to us. We can choose a partner willing to undertake the journey of self-exploration and commitment to learning and sharing together. And we can choose to honor the culture and reality of the person who becomes our mate.
(Material adapted from "The Everyday Enneagram" by Lynette Sheppard)

Enneagram Tests -What Good Are They?

I don't have any links on my 9points.com Essential Enneagram site to a test for determining Enneagram type. There's a good reason for this. The tests just don't work all that well to find your type. I really wish that they did. Still, it seems that humans are too complex overall to quantify on paper and pen (virtual or actual). Sure, some tests are better than others, but they can stop or truncate the necessary self-observation that leads to discovering your Enneagram type. If you quit questioning or watching your internal landscape when the test gives you the "answer" detailing your Enneagram point, you may find yourself mistyped and barking up the wrong banyan.

Enneagram tests DO have a purpose, however. By virtue of the questions offered, they can provide a great starting point for your own journey of self-inquiry. When taken in this spirit, I highly recommend availing yourself of one or more tests to help narrow and define your search. I'm partial to David Daniels's test - check out enneagramworldwide.com - but remember that testing is information-gathering to help you find out more of your worldview, not a way to definitively "nail down" your type. Alas, there are no shortcuts.

An Enneagram Conversation

Welcome to the Everyday Enneagram Blog. I will soon have the “mothership” blog up and running on my main site at 9points.com. But I felt that this conversation just can’t wait. Naturally, I will continue to update this blog as well even when the main one is up to speed.

The impetus for this blog has come from those of you who’ve contacted me with questions, concerns, thoughts, and ideas not addressed in my book. (or any that I know of.) Our questions, answers, musings, and wonderings may serve to start a richer conversation through which we might learn a little more about ourselves. That’s the real goal here - not learning the Enneagram more deeply. The Enneagram is just a map, however rich and layered. Our inner territory is the real knowledge we wish to gain and apply. The real journey we wish to take is Home to our essential self.

Lofty though this goal may sound, don’t expect this blog to be “serious”. Reverent irreverency has always worked best for me in my desire to grow psychologically and spiritually. Everything is sacred and nothing is sacred. Let crazy wisdom reveal the work we must do daily, quietly, steadily to become our best selves. (For more general info on the Enneagram or to contact Lynette, visit the home page at http://9points.com.